Moments of Quiet

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Hi. I’m sorry it’s been so quiet around here this week.
In truth, I have no particular reason why,
other that I feel as though I have nothing to say.
Or maybe it’s that I have a lot of jumbled thoughts in my head,
but none that I seem to be able to form sentences out of.
I’m trying to enjoy summer with the kids,
or as much of summer as you can enjoy when you’ve lost
two weeks worth of swimming in the last month to a total of 7 stitches.
I think I may need to invest in a bubble for B to hang out in.

I used to be afraid of the quiet.
I used to fear that if I didn’t produce content then….
It’s funny how one single event can change your whole perspective.
I have days where I feel quiet because life is moving forward
and it makes me feel guilty.
I look at our beautiful, healthy children and I feel guilty
and sad
and overwhelmed
and relieved all at the same time.

Guilty that I still have them and can hold them close.
Sadness that people I love have lost a piece of their whole world.
A piece that they can’t get back.
Overwhelmed because I want to take it all away…
the hurt, the pain, the anger.
I still have moments where I yell at God because I
Just. don’t. Get. It.
And then I feel relieved that besides stitches, our children are here
Then the guilt returns.

It’s become like a vicious cycle and some weeks I’m able to power through
and others I can’t
Or I don’t want to
Maybe it’s a little bit of both.
And so I’m quiet
Because I don’t want to pretend like it’s all great.
I don’t want to pretend like the sadness or the surrealness of it all goes away.

In the midst of it all, I’m trying to remember that this is bigger than me
I often find myself trying to channel Jacqui during the day
so she knows I’m thinking about her
sending her love
praying for her
And then we text…daily

I’m sorry this post seems lost
I promise I’ll be back soon.
Till then, be blessed!

xo, Alissa

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